Couples relationship coaching




Are you and your husband or partner having issues that seem unsolvable? Do you feel like you made a huge mistake when you chose your partner?

Are you asking yourself the following questions:
 -Why on earth did I say “Yes” to this person?
-Why didn’t I see through their pretence?
– Why can’t this person understand me?
-Why does he / she always put him/herself first?
-How can I remain in a relationship that makes me so unhappy?
-Why does this person think he/she is always right?
-How can we get a compromise?
-Why is communication between us so explosive?
-Why has our sex-life gone dead completely?
So many questions and very few answers.

Here are some things to consider…
You were born to different parents and brought up differently. You have heard of the effects of “nature versus nurture”.
“Nature is what people think of as pre-wiring and is influenced by genetic inheritance and other biological factors. Nurture is generally taken as the influence of external factors after conception e.g. the product of exposure, experience and learning on an individual.” Francis Dalton and his cousin Charles Darwin had a lot to do with this theory. (Wikipedia).

It is obvious – you were born to different parents and brought up differently. So, your initial view of life or “map of the world” was created in your childhood, by the people who were your parents or your carers. A person’s first point of reference is often the way they were brought up, usually from ages 1 to 5, for the initial and lasting imprints on their minds, and their associations with significant others from ages 5 to early adulthood. All the influences of both our parents, carers and our school teachers and friends, all count in creating the people we become in our own adult life.
Sigmund Freud mentioned how the first five years is crucial to a child in developing trust, and confidence  in themselves and others, and stability and in character is built mainly during the early years up to age 18 or so.
I believe this is true, because I’m constantly looking back (in my subconscious mind) and asking myself: “What would Dad have done or what would Mum have done in this situation?”, even though I am now a grandmother! My own upbringing has not left my mind and subconscious mind. For me, drawing on my upbringing makes me feel “authentic”, because that is the place I felt and still feel safest!



To create an amicable home for yourself and your partner, it would be necessary to do the following: 


1. Upbringing.

Find out what your partner’s upbringing was like – when you are both in the best of moods. Compare that to yours and decide what the compromise actions should be in your own life together.
Instead of having a row about this, choose to discuss the pros and cons of having a mobile phone on or off during dinner, and arrive at a compromise.
For example, if your parents never allowed any interruptions at table while you were having dinner, eg: answering phones, you may find it rude and unacceptable, if your partner constantly answers his/her mobile phone while you are having dinner together.


2. Communication Styles .

In some families, talking at the top of your voice – even when the person you are speaking to is standing right in front of you, is normal. Whereas in other families, raising your voice when the person is standing next to you, would be seen as rude and uncultured, and in fact, even aggressive. So, what to do if you and your partner have different communication styles?

Discuss the issue when both of you are happy. Explain how the “aggressive” style makes you feel and request your partner to attempt to lower their voice while speaking to you at close range. If both of you are happy to make your relationship work for you, you both would be happy to make amends and improve.

3. Conflict Resolution

How you resolve your day-to-day conflicts will determine whether or not your relationship is heading towards the ditch.

For some people, they cannot sleep at night, unless they have resolved a conflict that happened during the day, with their partner. Whereas other people prefer to sleep over the issue and either talk through it the next day or hope that it will fizzle out by itself.
So, you can see how the two different styles of conflict resolution can aggravate one partner more than the other.

People will adopt the pattern of conflict resolution that their own parents/carers or significant others had, while they were growing up.
While your partner’s style of resolving conflicts with you may seriously anger you, because it doesn’t follow the pattern you knew from your childhood, it would be worth putting yourself in their shoes. If their own parents always sorted their problems a day after the quarrel, then they are doing things how they know best. It is not a deliberate attempt on their part to ignore you – on the contrary, they are doing their best to respect you, and not let things escalate.



If you are looking for ways to save your marriage or relationship, why not get in touch with me? I will be happy to offer you and your partner some therapy sessions, that will enable you both to reconsider your relationship and make a greater effort to keeping it going in a much happier way.

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Dr Grace Anderson.
Accredited Master Coach & Couple & Family Therapist.